About Me: Unveiling the Shadows

I woke one day knowing I couldn't fight anymore. I am tired, I have lost everything and I'm to tired to fight one more moment, I am done. The road ahead looks like the same fight, the vail was lifting and my eyes began to see that darkness would never leave no matter what I did. God didn't come to save me either. This time is wasn't depression, it was logic. I found myself forced to live in my car due to the life I had built and how Ive squandered it. Having lost so much to poor decisions and consistent failure, it compiled onto a lifetime of what I already knew. Life is better without me. I have failed at everything in life from, family, to kids, to jobs and of course relationships. I did it all wrong. No matter the way I moved I was destined to fail. No matter the effort the path was just blocked. With my heart always geared toward helping others, I found myself in a dark chapter where I couldn't even help myself. Amidst planning my death, I confided in friends about my intentions to end my life. I wanted to say goodbye and show my appreciation for those that loved me. I also wanted to give them a chance to say goodbye to a friend they loved. That decision sparked a fire deep within the depths of my soul. Help others find life before I die. I know its very odd. My journey has been shaped by years of counseling since childhood, traversing through different religious spaces, and battling addictions for half a century. There were many moments where I felt like a victim of circumstances, but about six years ago, I decided to reclaim my life and found joy for the first time with the help and guidance from a very good therapist and now friend.

I've grappled with suicidal thoughts, helplessness, Rage, sensory issues and an array of emotions, since I was a young boy. Amidst it all, joy found its way into my life. I made a pact with myself and my faith that if darkness returned, I wouldn't endure it any longer. For five beautiful years, I wasn't tormented by the constant voice that screamed so loud and then reflected in my actions. However, 2023 became an absolute nightmare, filled with the loss of my father, multiple friends dying, and severed friendships due to unforeseen circumstances. Exhausted from the constant battles, the logical choice seemed to be leaving this world.

But through the process of sharing my intentions with friends, a shift has started to occur. I realized that in the last few months of my life, I wanted to do something impactful for people like me—start a podcast. The Suicide Monk Podcast emerged as a platform to give voice to those silenced by the suffering they endure and the people that keep us silent because of fear. The idea was also born for the most important reason I can think of and that is to raise money to help save my friend's life. She is Dani in episode 1 and her suffering may have just sparked the fire that could change lives, not only someone else's but also my own. My inspiration to live not only came from that but from embracing the idea of of taking my own life.

Now, my story stands unwritten, with the future uncertain. Yet, in creating this podcast, I've found a purpose in amplifying the voices of those struggling with their own darkness. As I navigate this uncharted territory, I'll continue this journey, hoping that my experiences and this podcast can bring solace and support to those who feel silenced because of their pain. My initial inspiration to live emerged from both my dear friend and my own intent to die. Now, as I share my story through The Suicide Monk Podcast, the future remains unwritten. We shall see what it holds.

If you're spiritual pray for us, if you have good chi, send it our way.

This is not the full story but I will write the past with my voice now. Tune in!